Sober. But Still Selfish.

What a day. I am surprised both at my ex husband but even more surprised with myself. Why in the world have I gone along the last year of my life thinking that at some point he might change?

There were multiple reasons that I left our marriage. Namely because he had fallen into a vodka bottle and was unable to get out.

I remember when we lost our home due to his inability to work or function because of his drinking. He could not get or keep a job. When I left there were three days that he stayed on the couch passed out as I was scrambling to gather my belongings he would not even let me use the truck to move. I had three days to vacate the property..the bank had evicted us. My mother had to hire some men and a truck so that I could take at least the bare minimum of things we needed to live..

I now try to make light of it all by joking that I lost everything I own in a fire named (______).


Despite all of the trauma of me losing my marriage, my house, my things and the man I loved to alcohol, in the days that followed I still worried about him, even checking on him to make sure he was still alive.

So why, despite everything that has happened would I even consider to let him have my children, even if only on the weekends?

Because I still want to believe. I want to believe that no matter how bad things were or might be between the two of us, that like me he would put our children first.

Today, a friend reminded me that my wishes are only that. WISHES. My wishes do NOT have anything to do with reality.

Just as I was in denial about his alcohol abuse, I am also currently in denial about his seemingly endless selfishness.

I want so badly for him to WANT to communicate, co parent and do the very best for our children in spite of the situation. I want it so bad that it has clouded my judgement as well.

But, if as my friend today suggested I sit, really think over the past year, really evaluate all that has transpired-my ex has, at best been a very unreliable baby sitter.

He does not pay for their gymnastics classes that they go to weekly.

He does not pay for the dance classes my daughter takes through her school every week.

He did not pay for the birthday presents that I scrounged and scrapped to pay for while he was in rehab.

He does not pay their medical care.

He does not pay for their housing or food.

His visitation schedule has been sporadic, unreliable and completely on his terms. He has abused their trust and mine.

He has made a total of three child support payments in a year's time.

He has only recently started renting a glorified chicken hutch in a bad part of town that he kept secret from me. ( I was able to find out where only from friends.) He intends to have his visitation in this new home of his-that is legally TOO small for two children of opposite sex and in a bad area. Poor is of course not a crime, but STUPID really should be.

And now his lack of judgement has reached an all time low. My children had their visitation with their father this last weekend and against my good judgement, and only for the sake of this notion that my kids "need" time with their father I let them go to the chicken hutch in the bad area of town.

My kids came back, seemingly okay. A bit quiet maybe, but ok. I was relieved...until..
A friend of mine informed me that Mr. Wonderful used his visitation time with our children to have sleep overs with his new girlfriend.

This bit of information may seem to come from someone who is just NOT okay with their Ex moving on, finding happiness...

And to that I would say that while these transitions are never fun, and never easy..this again really truly comes from concern for my kids.

This woman, who ever she is of course new to the situation and probably oblivious to most of what has happened...and I would never fault her.

I fault him. He has my kids only two nights a week-and that's ONLY if he chooses. Why oh WHY would he use that precious little time with them to woo a girlfriend? With five nights a week to play house, go on dates, sleep over at each other's homes and do whatever grown ups choose to do?!


I understand that we all have needs, we are grown ups..but why add to the confusion of my two little innocent kids that are already having a hard enough time adjusting to not seeing their dad regularly, their dad living in a chicken coop and now having sleep overs with his girlfriend during their visitation...REALLY???

I am just stunned.

I would be more understanding had he came to me first, told me there even was someone new..told me he was truly in love, told me that he felt it time to introduce them to our children. While it may have been a hard pill to swallow, I would have to, as a respectful adult, try to understand.

Instead I am informed by a friend of ours-only to have it confirmed by my children and their stories of spending the whole weekend with "Daddy's New Girlfriend!"

The behavior is juvenile, selfish, irresponsible and in short-it's just him. I cannot expect anything else. For me to do so is to just set myself up for MORE disappointment.

The good news is, that upon sending him text messages to confront him on these issues he has simply not responded.

I find it almost a relief. A sign that he has made a decision. His decision makes my future decisions easier to make and gives me some sense of clarity about what has to happen next.

In the meantime, I still await child support. My conversation with the Department of Child Support Services today confirmed they have made second contact with his employer regarding his wage garnishment. They sent another request along with a copy of the civil code stating they must comply. If they have not complied in one week from now they can actually be fined.

Sad that he pushes everything to the last limit. Sad that the man I so dearly loved and made children with has turned into a selfish beast. Sad that my babies do NOT have a real daddy. Sad that I have to come up with a new reason why he is not around.