Sober. But Still Selfish.

What a day. I am surprised both at my ex husband but even more surprised with myself. Why in the world have I gone along the last year of my life thinking that at some point he might change?

There were multiple reasons that I left our marriage. Namely because he had fallen into a vodka bottle and was unable to get out.

I remember when we lost our home due to his inability to work or function because of his drinking. He could not get or keep a job. When I left there were three days that he stayed on the couch passed out as I was scrambling to gather my belongings he would not even let me use the truck to move. I had three days to vacate the property..the bank had evicted us. My mother had to hire some men and a truck so that I could take at least the bare minimum of things we needed to live..

I now try to make light of it all by joking that I lost everything I own in a fire named (______).


Despite all of the trauma of me losing my marriage, my house, my things and the man I loved to alcohol, in the days that followed I still worried about him, even checking on him to make sure he was still alive.

So why, despite everything that has happened would I even consider to let him have my children, even if only on the weekends?

Because I still want to believe. I want to believe that no matter how bad things were or might be between the two of us, that like me he would put our children first.

Today, a friend reminded me that my wishes are only that. WISHES. My wishes do NOT have anything to do with reality.

Just as I was in denial about his alcohol abuse, I am also currently in denial about his seemingly endless selfishness.

I want so badly for him to WANT to communicate, co parent and do the very best for our children in spite of the situation. I want it so bad that it has clouded my judgement as well.

But, if as my friend today suggested I sit, really think over the past year, really evaluate all that has transpired-my ex has, at best been a very unreliable baby sitter.

He does not pay for their gymnastics classes that they go to weekly.

He does not pay for the dance classes my daughter takes through her school every week.

He did not pay for the birthday presents that I scrounged and scrapped to pay for while he was in rehab.

He does not pay their medical care.

He does not pay for their housing or food.

His visitation schedule has been sporadic, unreliable and completely on his terms. He has abused their trust and mine.

He has made a total of three child support payments in a year's time.

He has only recently started renting a glorified chicken hutch in a bad part of town that he kept secret from me. ( I was able to find out where only from friends.) He intends to have his visitation in this new home of his-that is legally TOO small for two children of opposite sex and in a bad area. Poor is of course not a crime, but STUPID really should be.

And now his lack of judgement has reached an all time low. My children had their visitation with their father this last weekend and against my good judgement, and only for the sake of this notion that my kids "need" time with their father I let them go to the chicken hutch in the bad area of town.

My kids came back, seemingly okay. A bit quiet maybe, but ok. I was relieved...until..
A friend of mine informed me that Mr. Wonderful used his visitation time with our children to have sleep overs with his new girlfriend.

This bit of information may seem to come from someone who is just NOT okay with their Ex moving on, finding happiness...

And to that I would say that while these transitions are never fun, and never easy..this again really truly comes from concern for my kids.

This woman, who ever she is of course new to the situation and probably oblivious to most of what has happened...and I would never fault her.

I fault him. He has my kids only two nights a week-and that's ONLY if he chooses. Why oh WHY would he use that precious little time with them to woo a girlfriend? With five nights a week to play house, go on dates, sleep over at each other's homes and do whatever grown ups choose to do?!


I understand that we all have needs, we are grown ups..but why add to the confusion of my two little innocent kids that are already having a hard enough time adjusting to not seeing their dad regularly, their dad living in a chicken coop and now having sleep overs with his girlfriend during their visitation...REALLY???

I am just stunned.

I would be more understanding had he came to me first, told me there even was someone new..told me he was truly in love, told me that he felt it time to introduce them to our children. While it may have been a hard pill to swallow, I would have to, as a respectful adult, try to understand.

Instead I am informed by a friend of ours-only to have it confirmed by my children and their stories of spending the whole weekend with "Daddy's New Girlfriend!"

The behavior is juvenile, selfish, irresponsible and in short-it's just him. I cannot expect anything else. For me to do so is to just set myself up for MORE disappointment.

The good news is, that upon sending him text messages to confront him on these issues he has simply not responded.

I find it almost a relief. A sign that he has made a decision. His decision makes my future decisions easier to make and gives me some sense of clarity about what has to happen next.

In the meantime, I still await child support. My conversation with the Department of Child Support Services today confirmed they have made second contact with his employer regarding his wage garnishment. They sent another request along with a copy of the civil code stating they must comply. If they have not complied in one week from now they can actually be fined.

Sad that he pushes everything to the last limit. Sad that the man I so dearly loved and made children with has turned into a selfish beast. Sad that my babies do NOT have a real daddy. Sad that I have to come up with a new reason why he is not around.

Natives. Protecting Natives.

My ex husband, AKA Mr. Wonderful works for the Sacramento Native American Health Center, here in Sacramento, California. http://snahc.org/.

It is a wonderful facility where my Native children have recieved wonderful service. It is family oriented and native-centric.

It is also about the only place that my Native ex husband with his struggles with substances could be steadily employed.

It sounds like a win, win situation.

Untill..

He is employed there in his field, as a maintenance/light construction worker. My office where I work is situated where I can see when and if he is working. His truck is loaded up with tools, occassionally I will see him doing his jobs. Putting in a light fixture, hauling in materials, bringing tools in and out. We have even discussed some of the projects that he has worked on-a bathroom remodel among them. He has NO formal education, degree, or even a contractor's licence-which I always thought was strange why none of these were required for him to work there.

Still sounds great?

Well in my battle to obtain the support owed to my children I have been volleying back and forth between the California Department of Child Support Services and his employer.

It was back in early January that I spoke with the Director of the SNAHC and explained my plight...that I was not recieving any support payments and was seeking a way to have his wages garnished. She explained that she was not sure if I could pursue a wage garnishment, because Mr. Wonderful is employed as an independant contrator, and is paid per job, as he cannot be a permanent employee, newly sober as he is.

Bubble popped.

I then reported this information to the Ca. Child Support Services. They explained that no matter how he is paid, or when he is paid his employer is obligated to attach the wages to comply with his order to pay child support. They further informed me that the SNAHC would have up to 45 days to comply.

Feeling better...

The 45 days was up on February 21st. Last week (Feb. 25th) I made a phone call back to the SNAHC and spoke again to the director, who told me I needed to speak to their human resources department. I was transferred to "Andrea".

Andrea was a cold, unsympathetic ear who told me only that Mr. Wonderful is paid as an "Independent Consultant". HA HA HA HA! What does he consult them ON I wonder??? I explained that his weekly earnings are more than what his children and I are surviving on monthly and that he was soon to have his driver's license suspended due to non-payment. I informed her that he is nearly nine thousand dollars behind. She replied simply that it was none of her business, and that she does not and will not have to comply with the order and that she does not even need to take my call.

Kick in the teeth.

So, now I am not sure where this will all end. I called again the same day to Child Support Services. Again they have reassured me that he cannot and will not evade his wage garnishment. It does not matter how he is paid. They said they will have to send another letter out to his employer and that I will need to follow up with another phone call in ten days to find out what the status is.

In the meantime, I find it interesting and very sad the Sacramento Native American Health Center, by virtue of protecting the Native man in their employ is taking away from the innocent Native offspring that he has chosen to neglect. Aside from the obvious liability they have assumed employing a non licensed, bonded or insured indivdual to do their maintenance and construction... where in the world did this all go wrong and why would anyone protect a fully able bodied young single man over two sweet, innocent kids?

I WILL persue this, SNAHC. For the sake of my children.

Fun With Child Support.

Last weekend was the 60th annual Autorama-a big car show at Sacramento's Cal Expo. I was there, to help promote the event I am producing with the California Automobile Museum, Sacramento SwingTime.

Well, so was my ex, Mr. Wonderful. I found out later that Mr. Wonderful actually had a show vehicle there, at Autorama, with a car club that he is currently prospecting for.

WOW. He is soo silly he actually left his uploaded photos of his real pride and joy in my computer.

None of this sounds like any kind of problem except for the fact that Mr. Wonderful has paid only three child support payments in almost a whole year's time-totalling approximately $800. He is nearly $9,000 behind.

Maybe that does not sound so bad, either-except for the fact for the year we have been seperated he has lived RENT free with his mother, and works OVER 40 hours a week, making much more in one week than I make all month.

It may sound bitter to some, and I know there are plenty of women out there who have much worse situations-but I feel it neccessary to utilize my blog to keep track of all of these things as they happen.

As I try to keep a roof over our head, work, go to school, keep food on the table, these kind of things tend to get pushed aside, forgotten, overlooked.

But my children, aged four and seven deserve so much better than what he has offered. I consider the whole situation as a broken contract. He made promises to the three of us to provide for us, to co parent with me, to support us as a father and husband.

As a couple, we had agreed to allow me to stay home with our children. I left the work force for 6 years as our children were infants and preschoolers. As a result I have had a very difficult time re establishing myself in the work place and to provide for my children completely on my own.

I know I am capable and that I will overcome the obstacles that currently face me..but in the meantime I am dissapointed, a bit shocked and definately scratching my head.

Enjoy Mr. Wonderful's pictures of his new car and the Autorama.

Welcome to Mama Red Hen

I think to start this blog off, I would share the story that inspired the name. I really identify with the story of the Little Red Hen. I am the eldest of three siblings. I was given the responsibilities of a "little mama" very early on and was my mother's second in comand. I always had to take charge, and persevere.
With two marriages behind me, I have always felt as though I am, like the hen, having to make the plans, follow through and do it all by myself.
I hope that as I go along, I too may have that "fresh baked bread" that is the spoils the Red Hen created from all of her hard, solitary work. All of the "Not I's" along the way will fade and I will share it with the real gifts in my life, my son and daughter.
Wikipedia offers wonderful background to this classic, moral tale. You can have a look!http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Red_Hen